Letter circa 1982

Dear Little Girl,

I wrote you a letter. I wrote two. One to send and one to keep. That’s in case they don’t give it to you. Today I went to the movies to see ET. My dad brought me to it. My dad carried me out of the theatre because I was crying too much. If they never give you this letter one day I might be able to find you and give it to you.

If I had lights in my fingers it might look pretty. Do you like lights? I like lights. I like colourful lights. I like the stars. You were my friend at kinda. Do you remember it? I do. Do you forget? Do you remember too? You came to my birthday party and you gave me strawberry hair bobbles. Guess what? I wear them on the weekends every day. At my school you cant wear strawberry hair bobbles coz it’s not school colors. Do you remember? Do you forget? I did your hair in the kinda corner with bits of wool in bows. Do you remember when you came to my house for my party in a purple tshirt with an elephant on the front. You looked good but we decided to dress you up in my favourite dress. I put daisies in your hair. We had a little fight on that day because you asked the girls to say who was prettiest, you or me? Then you said sorry. I forgive you.

Remember when you said when we stop at my house, don’t let go of my hand. I didn’t. I want you to know I didn’t let go. Nobody else will understand what that means cept you. I’m still holding your hand from far away. I hope everything is ok. Since you moved away I still remember. Do you remember those pictures we made of butterflies. I made those with another boy who used to come to my house too. Do you want to know who did the best one? It’s not a competition. That’s because  when you put paint on the page and fold it in half it’s up to the messy smudge to make a picture. We can’t be the boss of the page much. I’m going to keep this letter for when I’m a big girl. Am I a big girl yet? That little boy said that he was a big boy when he was only seven. I think he’s thinking he is when he’s a little boy still. If has more muscles will he be a big boy? Nope. What’s a big girl? What’s a big boy? What do you think? A big person is someone who doesn’t let go of your hand. Some people don’t have hands or feet. I have a boy at my school with one foot. He’s nice to me. It’s his secret. Without a hand you could still hold onto someone too. It’s about thinking about holding on. Do you understand? It’s about feeling about holding on? Do you understand what I mean? You would understand it. That’s because you were smart big girl. Do your remember when the teacher got cross because we made so many pictures. Well I dream sometimes of a big field with lots of strings and we make them and all the butterflies pop out and fly around. You were cranky with the teacher but I was thinking, I spose theres only so much paint. That’s why we went out and made mud pies. That’s’ because sometimes if you use too much of one thing you might make it run out so you have to be careful you know.

I let go of your hand but I didn’t let go in my feelings. Does that seem crazy? The teacher said let go. It’s not your fault. Sometimes I don’t just make butterfly pictures. I have fuzzy felt. I make pictures with it. I made some of my own too with bits of felt. Also, I make pictures on leaves. I draw on gum leaves. I’m sending you a gum leaf bookmark with paintings on it.

You asked me to write to you. I wanted to, not just coz u said so. Do you know what I mean? I think you would know what I mean. I’ve still got the record player. I’m still dancing to music on the weekends.

I did miss you very much.

Lots of Love,

Nicla

ps I'm not sure about who is the big boy or the big girl or what. He might be a big boy too. Sometime's he's a bit like Pepe Le Pew, just joking. I thought u would think that was funny. I'm talking about the other boy who made the pictures. He could be a big boy. He's not really Pepe Le Pew. I just said that in case you're sad and you want to laugh about something. I hope you are smiling like you did when I put daisies in your hair. I put daisies and a headband in his hair too. DONT TELL ANYONE BECAUSE I DID THAT TO ANOTHER BOY IN THE STREET AND THEN HIS DAD SAID NO MORE NICLA. Is that a sin? Some big people are still small people. You're a big girl because you said don't let go of my hand. Do you get it? Do you watch TV? My favourite show is Kimba the White Lion and Grizzly Adams. Grizzly Adams is a good guy. He loves animals. He's a bit too hairy but maybe that's coz he wants to fit in with the animals and all that. That's why I'm not going to be mean and think, oh too hairy and all that business. 

pps. Do you remember when I made you laugh? It was good when we were laughing. 

ppps. You made me laugh too. Also, guess what? I got a new leotard. Do you like Liza Minelli? I like to dance to her and Barbara Streisand on the record player. Do you think it sounds like birds? Do you think they sound like flying? I would love to fly, not on a bike past the moon. I want wings. Maybe we even do. Don't forget cutie. You'll be ok. 

pppps. Ok, so I'm feeling a bit terrible. Let's forget I mentioned Pepe Le Pew. He's probably more like Grizzly Adams cept less hairy without muscles and he's got different clothes. And he doesn't live in the wilderness. He loves guinea pigs and finds it hard to put them back in the hutch. I''d send you a guinea pig but it would be cruel, even with air holes. That's what I was gonna ask to give you if you had a party. Mummy would have said no. Kids don't get to make up all the rules. Okay now is the end of my letter. 

ppppps. OR IS IT? START SPREADING THE NEWS IM LEAVING TODAY, I WANNA BE A PART OF IT NEW YORK NEW YORK.... be happy.